It’s All Gone Tits Up!

What were my Facebook pages and Twitter feed full of this week -terrorism, racism, economics, the government? Nope, whilst all of them were there the biggest threads were all about the Sun newspaper dropping its Page Three topless pics. You cannot be serious!

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Feminist groups were claiming a victory in the fight for the unjust objectification of women, sycophantic metrosexuals were nodding along in tacit agreement and I read every comment with wide-eyed disbelief.

Do I buy the Sun? – No. Do I ogle Page 3 girls? – No. Do I like naked women? – Sure I do but I can’t believe anybody would buy a newspaper just to “cop” a look at something that can be seen far more graphically on every PC, laptop, tablet or Smartphone. Page 3 is a feature, a gimmick (long outmoded) and most importantly it’s harmless.

Katie Price attends a photocall to launch her new venture 'KP Rocks' at The Worx

Over the last 40 years this silly little item has launched the careers of such “national treasures” as Samantha Fox, Linda Lusardi, Jilly Johnson, Melinda Messenger and the queen of them all…Katie (Jordan) Price. Ask any of them if they feel objectified.

Any weirdo who is really affected by a pair of boobs can find a gazillion other ways to fuel their frenzy and would have done so with or without a poxy tabloid newspaper.

Let’s get one thing straight here. We are not talking graphic porn or women being sold into slavery or sad drug addicts selling their bodies to feed their habit just cute young women showing exactly the same as you can see on any beach from Brighton to Barbados. Come to that I’ve heard many women say they would rather go on holiday somewhere they can sunbathe topless…strap marks heaven forbid!

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Does Page 3 encourage young women to have unrealistic body image? Maybe it does but so does the catwalk, fashion magazines, television, cinema and fashion stores that don’t sell sizes above a 14/16. What you gonna do – ban ‘em all? Moreover, the serious media is chock-a-block with warnings on obesity and articles on how to get that summer body or how to remedy those Xmas excesses. Mixed messages anybody?

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The thing that really gets me is the double standard. I’ve never heard any complaints about the Diet Coke adverts featuring a bunch of girls lusting after a half naked bloke. I’ve never witnessed protests by a bunch of “maleists” every time David Gandy gives up his pecs to flog us aftershave. No nationwide debate when David Beckham posed in nothing but his pants. I’m an old fat bloke surely I should be well and truly pissed off? Not a bit of it. Jealous as f*** but not in the slightest bit offended.

I have a female friend who is “middle aged” and “middle class”; she has a habit of posting pics on her Facebook page of naked or semi-naked fit blokes. The comments from her female mates are nearly all in the “Cor!” or “I wouldn’t kick him out of bed” school. I have another female friend who is also “middle aged and classed” and she has a habit of posting really tasteful artistic photos of nude women. Interestingly the comments she receives from both men and women are invariably of the“beautiful” variety. Draw your own conclusions.

Several years ago I met a couple, male and female. They were both very attractive and very much in love. They were also both strippers and thoroughly enjoyed their jobs. Of course we discussed the difference between their respective audiences. I hate to say I wasn’t surprised to learn when she revealed that whilst men were typically enthusiastic and vocal they rarely got “out of order” whereas he told me that he had been inappropriately groped or propositioned at nearly every gig. I’m not judging in any way, to be honest I don’t care but maybe ultra feminists should go on a few more Hen Parties.

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The point is a lot of people like to look at other people who are happy to take their kit off. They have done for centuries… visit any art gallery, all packed to the rafters with naked flesh. I look at it a bit like that game that every couple play. You know the one that goes “even though we’re together if I let you make love to any celebrity in the world who would it be?” It’s a fun game ‘cos it ain’t ever gonna happen but I bet you’ve all got someone on your list. In my case I don’t think Uma Thurman has anything to worry about.